How do I fix a relationship after becoming the desperate ex? I love this girl and am willing to do literally anything to be with her again.

Spiritual meaning of dreaming about your ex kissing you

My friend, you are not alone in this situation.

Iu2019ve spoken to a number of people on Quora recently, and it seems to be quite a trend.

The thing is, and Iu2019m sorry to have to say this to you directly, itu2019s very unhealthy to be in the place where you are.

I know you are hurting and feeling u201cdesperateu201d, and that your world seems to have collapsed.

But you need to here this clearly, as much as it pains me to tell you: itu2019s very, very unhealthy to pin all your hopes, dreams, self worth and identity on a person.

,Iu2019ve done that sort of thing myself twice in the past: it was disastrous, and Iu2019m still carrying the scars and leftovers from that mindset 25 years later.

When we so invest ourselves in a person that we feel desperate when they are gone, we know right away that weu2019ve stepped over the line: weu2019ve moved into the realm of u201cworshipu201d.

It may not seem like it, but you have been worshiping the relationship with your ex, making it an u201cidolu201d in your life that gives you purpose and meaning.

Youu2019ve effectively made her your god.

But the truth is that you have purpose and meaning with or without your ex, because you are a valuable human being, person, just as you are.

You donu2019t need anyone else attached to you to make that truth real.

,I love being in love.

I love being in relationship.

But Iu2019ve learned that pinning all my self worth and hopes etc on another person is not only very unhealthy, in every measurable way, but it brings a form of u201ccurseu201d by effectively getting me to u201cworshipu201d that person and the relationship I have with them.

Itu2019s OK to feel sad, grieve, shed some tears, then spend some time healing at the end of the relationship.

But I strongly believe that itu2019s NOT OK to get to that desperate stage you are at.

Think about what you just said u201cI am willing to do anything to be with her againu201d.

Really? Youu2019d rob a bank? You would kill a person? You would hijack a plane and blow it up? Youu2019d detonate a nuclear weapon killing millions? You get my point.

You wouldnu2019t do any of those things.

But there are probably a number of less u201cout thereu201d things that you would do, and those things would be personally destructive to you.

Why? Because when we get to the desperation stage, we will compromise ourselves and actually do things we normally wouldnu2019t in order to u201cgetu201d what we think we crave.

Itu2019s actually no different to the craving and desperation of a drug addict whou2019s been forced to go cold turkey.

,My friend, let her go.

LET HER GO! She is NOT the only person in the world who can make you happy! To believe that is just absurd, and your brain knows that.

But right now youu2019re letting your heart and soul run amuck, spitting in the face of common sense and logic, as they thrash about like the severed tail off a lizard.

There a literally thousands of girls in this world who could take the place of the one you lost.

And each of them could be u201cthe oneu201d for you, just in a different way.

But as long as you stay fixated on your ex, infatuated with the idea of u201csheu2019s the only oneu201d, you will keep yourself locked in a cage, a prison, of your own making.

And you will thrash about in that cage, bloodying and bruising yourself until you finally realize that youu2019re acting in an unhealthy and foolish way.

I know these are tough words, my friend, but you need to snap out of this state of mind, You can snap out of it.

You can exercise your will and reign in your wild emotions and person-worship soul.

,Iu2019ve made a u201csteps to recoveryu201d that I strongly suggest you work through, my friend.

There is no u201cquick fixu201d to what you are going through.

Iu2019m sorry, but thatu2019s just a fact of life.

Because you likely have a soul tie with your ex (if you had any kind of physical intimacy beyond hugging, kissing and holding hands, you have a soul tie), which BTW is permanent unless you know a strong Pentecostal Christian who can help you break it, your soul is literally attached to your ex.

And will be for your whole life.

She will also be attached to you.

The net effect is that emotional and spiritual things flow back and forth between you both, keeping you u201clockedu201d to each other and feeling unable to move on (or to move on healthily) until the tie is broken.

,Even if you donu2019t believe what Iu2019m telling you about soul ties, consider it from a purely faith-less perspective: you were with your ex for u201cx number of months / yearsu201d, youu2019ve shared a lot of life together, youu2019ve shared your bodies in intimate ways (presumably), your heart feels broken, your ex may be off u201chaving funu201d with someone else, stomping all over the love, commitment and promises you made together.

Your object of worship is gone.

Question: why would you NOT feel upset about all that? So to have your relationship breakup alone is enough to scramble your emotions and get you u201cout of sortsu201d.

Factor in the soul tie, and youu2019ve got the perfect storm to keep you locked in a cycle of pain and heartache - at least for a while.

,There are things you can do to help yourself and make the most of this opportunity of growth and reflection.

In addition to giving serious consideration to getting the soul tie between you and your ex broken, work through the u201csteps to recoveryu201d below that I feel may be a good tool for you.

Itu2019s only a tool, your mileage will vary, and I canu2019t promise it will u201cfixu201d everything - or anything.

However, I do feel confident that it will help at least a little.

Although each breakup is unique and has its own quirks and challenges, at the end of the day we just need to find a way to cope and move on.

Try working through these steps - in fact, while they are numbered, you want to be doing all of them all of the time during this process.

Some of the steps will be more effective than others.

The first one is THE most important for you to start with:,Find a place where you can be alone, where you can speak boldly without others hearing you.

Words that we speak have spiritual and emotional power, and our heart and brain and soul listen to the words that come out of our mouths.

Thereu2019s a lot of truth in the sayings about the u201cpoweru201d of positive thinking - thereu2019s more power in positive speaking.

Thereu2019s also negative power in negative thinking and speaking.

So, say something like this:n u201cI release [your exu2019s name] from my heart.

I bless her and give my permission for her to be with someone else.

I release any and all claims on her as my GF and lover.

I acknowledge that our relationship is ended.

I agree that I fell into the trap of worshiping [your exu2019s name], and I declare that from today onward I will no longer worship her.

I give myself permission to stop actively loving her, to grieve, to heal, and to move on to find someone else.

I forgive her for anything she did that hurt me.

I speak blessing over her, for her to be in a loving, caring, supportive relationship and to have a good life with her new partner.

u201dn And say all of that with as much conviction as you can.

You may need to do that 2 or 3 times over a week or two.

If it brings tears, let them come.

They will be cleansing, healing tears.

Thereu2019s no limit to the number of times you can say this sort of thing, but itu2019s not a magic spell.

Itu2019s just a way to u201creprogramu201d your heart and soul so that you can let go, heal and move on.

,Be kind to yourself.

Your heart is hurting and grieving.

Thatu2019s OK.

Accept that itu2019s OK.

Let yourself grieve.

Take some time off work if you need to.

Donu2019t be hard on yourself and play endless games of u201ccouldu2019a, wouldu2019a, shouldu2019au201d.

,Give yourself plenty of time to really get over your relationship.

Do NOT do a rebound.

Iu2019ve done two, and I promise you (money back guarantee! ha ha) that you will regret it.

At first, you wonu2019t.

But as time goes by, you will realize that you are simply using a u201cproxyu201d to fill in for the person your heart is grieving over, and thatu2019s just a messy can of worms.

,Get a friend or two who you trust to partner with you.

Talk to them.

Tell them how youu2019re feeling.

Get them to help you explore your emotions and thoughts.

They need to be friends who are good listeners, not just u201cfix itu201d people.

,Get plenty of sleep.

Far more important than what might seem obvious.

,Eat well.

Donu2019t binge, overindulge or starve yourself.

Again, more important than what it may seem.

,Get a regular amount of aerobic exercise each day.

Even 15u201320 mins of brisk walking is enough.

As with the last 2, this helps more than what you might think.

,Donu2019t sit at home watching sad / emotional movies / TV programs or listening to sad / romantic songs.

That will just make things worse.

,Go out.

Be with people.

Socialize.

Travel.

Even though it will hurt to see couples enjoying each otheru2019s love, itu2019s way better to be active and mingling with people than to be sitting at home wallowing in misery.

Do NOT use your socializing time to look for a hookup! Keep it all platonic and light for now.

,Keep yourself usefully busy.

That doesnu2019t mean hiding in your favorite addiction (e.

g.

soaps, computer games)! That means maybe a little OT at work, helping people in need, renovating your house, cleaning your car, doing volunteer work, tending your garden - whatever.

,If youu2019re a person of faith, double-down on your praying and getting close to your object of faith.

Itu2019s times like these that show us how real our faith and belief system really is.

,It will take time, and thatu2019s all there is to it.

There is no shortcut.

Ever.

I do promise you this: if you allow yourself to work through the process, which should take 1u20132 months at a minimum (depending how long you were in the last relationship and how deep the love and commitment was), you should come out the other side a lot healthier and ready for the next relationship than the average person.

Iu2019ve got firsthand experience of what itu2019s like to shortcut the process, and it just ends up in an increasingly big snowball of unresolved hurts and issues that only get worse.

,Blessings to you, my friend.

I pray that you will have the strength and courage to let your ex go, to heal, to spend some real time u201caloneu201d, and to move one.

May you find peace and contentment, healing and release, and when the time is right, real, true love.

May you come to the place where you can see the unhealthiness of your person-worship and be willing to let it go.